Torture

So I've been thinking and I've come up with a good, humane alternative to waterboarding and the like for torturing prisoners.  It goes something like this:

1. Put the prisoner in a room all by himself.
2. In this room is a functioning computer and a functioning telephone.  Except - the computer's internet service is down.
3. Say to prisoner, hey man, you can do whatever you want in here, even use the internet to plan your escape.  No biggie, you just have to get it up and running first.  Oh, and every time you call the customer service help line, we are going to charge you for that phone call.  
4. Leave said prisoner alone in the room with computer, phone, and his thoughts. 
5. Sit back with an evil laugh and wait for straight jackets and padded walls to become necessary.  

This has basically been my experience for the past month plus (really, it's been crappy the whole time but the last month has been extra special).  I have been near tears and have pulled my hair out more times than I can count.  Yesterday was the grand finale of torture with a home visit from an engineer, and no less than 9 phone calls over 8 hours entirely devoted to this crap.  The second-to-last phone call was my favorite.  It basically went like this:

Useless Customer Service Agent:  Um, basically, I've exhausted all of the knowledge I have on the mattter(slash)have gone completely though my handy instruction sheet for you and can no longer help you.

Megan:  Okay... now what?

UCSA:  You need to go this website (www.useless.virginmedia.com) and launch a chat session with the customer service team there where they can 'run some tests' and figure out what is going on.

Megan:  Okay... you realize that you've just given me instructions to go to a website and launch a live chat session, two things I'm pretty sure I need actual functioning internet service to do...??

UCSA:  Yes, it's the only thing I have left to offer you.  See - it's right here, at the bottom of my instruction manual.

Megan:  Yeah, I have no internet service.  I can't go to any website and launch anything.

UCSA:  Okay then, have a great night!

AAAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

That sound you heard across the Atlantic Ocean yesterday was me screaming.  This is about when Stephen came in and told me to "calm down".  Hahahahahahahaa!  Husbands, come on now!  I'll give him credit, he was trying to help, but I was too far gone down the torture chamber to be that rational.  

Amazingly, my final call was to the one customer service agent in the UK (Santa???) who was not completely useless.  We have really, truly working internet service now!  Hooray!  Three cheers!  Happy dance!  

So, sorry for the lag in blogging, unreturned emails, unreturned FB messages, I have been stuck in internet torture hell. 

Oh, and a side room to the internet torture could be a fully functioning iPhone, and being made to type out long emails on that little keyboard.  That thing is not meant for anything except short messages.